Marriage and desi marriage

i have been reading a lot of stuff on marriges on a variety of blogs. i seem to agree and disagree with alot of this stuff. i am strange when it comes to marriage, the ever dreaded M word. i am way too liberal in some ways and too old fashioned in others. as screwed up as that might sound!

this post is my take on stuff discussed in mezba and aisha's blog.

i think marriage, at its very core is two people who decide to live together for their entire lives. thts it. it does not have to be miserable, it should not be forced and it is not a way of life but life itself. the world over people prefer to live alone if they dont find someone they think they can live with happily. but no being desi we cant do that. why? well because log kiya kaheengaye (what will people say). these log (people) will have plenty to say whether you're a) unmarried b)engaged c) married d) spinster (a word i hate! there is no age for marriage, neither is there a right time, until the time the right person turns up!)

wikipedia defines marrige as
"A marriage is an interpersonal relationship with governmental, social, or religious recognition, usually intimate and sexual, and often created as a contract.[1] The most frequently occurring form of marriage unites a man and a woman as husband and wife"

The reasons for marriage are

"The reasons people marry vary widely, but usually include one or more of the following: the public declaration of love; the formation of a family unit; legitimizing sexual relations and procreation; legal, social and economic stability; and the education and nurturing of children."

what i couldnt find any where were the words "i hereby condemn you to a life of servitude, misery and subservience; a life of imprisonment where you may never be able to speak your mind or do as you wish."

my point is marriage isnt some anamoly which when occurs changes everything. all it should change is tht before you were alone and now there is some one to share everything; so that u are never alone; some one who you go home to; someone to count on, always. am i wrong? should it be such a drastic decision that your life is changed for ever and not only your life but who you are, the person who youve always been.

some thing else which puzzles me alot is that when you get married, in desi land, all compromises are expected to be done by the girl. the guy will continue to live his life as always but the girl will have to change everything from what she wears, what she eats, when and how she eats, whether she should work or not. why? is there something so wrong with the way you were living before? all im saying is that yes, compromises have to be made when two complete strangers (as is the case with arranged marriges) have to live together, sharing everything. but way must the girl be expected/forced to make them? shouldnt they both meet halfway?

i dont get all these wierd expectations of people. i have developed a serious distaste of marriage as a whole because of such things. instead of being a happy event it becomes a monumental one which in so may cases does not result in happiness for either party. all i ask is then why is it so bad if someone wants to opt out of this escapade. why cant i choose to escape unscathed instead of leaving with scares i will bear forever? just because society dictates i should marry! the same society who thumbs their noses at you when you dont marry and when you do but divorce. i refuse to belive that people divorce just beacuse one day they woke up and decided to be single. the emotional strain on both people is never considered. why? because life goes on! but want tht life. isnt being married life, not a part of it but it.

another thing i dont get is our society's objection/distaste to anything but an arranged marriage. i agree that our parents are probably the best judge but no even they can determine wht that person will be like behind closed doors. and for that matter neither can I. but in this case cant i as an adult who is quite responsible be expected to make an intelligent decision as to who i want to spend my entire life with. (the reason i keep saying entire is because i believe marriges are forever, this is the old fashioned bit) i mean input from families is welcomed but stupid resistance to a preferred guy just because he was chosen by the girl doesnt make sense.

this may sound like a bitter telling by someone who has had her heart broken one too many times. but believe me when i say i have had no prior relationships in all of my 21 years. i dont believe in being involved with someone just because. if its not the right person, id rather not. and as he hasnt shown up yet so i havent :) but i often wonder about all these things, these unnecessary requirements levied on us. and strangely, more often than not, it isnt the parents but their want to do things, the way they have always happened, and to have ample approval from the #%$^* society!

i just wish mummies and daddies would stop looking for the perfect looking person, who has the right family, the right profession, the right social circle, the right amount of money and other rights but start looking for the right person. coz at the end of the day no amount of money can make a marriage work when the two people cant stand each other. coz in this case a compromise just isnt possible.

and all this stuff about girls from back home are more compatible/docile/beautiful is just bullshit. just because they live in pakistan doesnt mean they arent humans with they share of wants and desires. i agree would have been meeker if had been brought up there but just as angry at any injustice. the only difference being my inability to speak my mind. and believe me when i say a meek bahu from pakistan would take a total of six months to gain ample confidence to shout out her mind.

another thing which just really pisses me off is the dating thing. people, girls and guys from pakistan date too. (just in case some one didnt know!) when i say dating i mean, going out to coffee/dinner/drinks with someone you like, not any and every one who asks/shows interest. thts all. nothing more and nothing less. i mean if its religion we are talking about even going out with someone ze parents select before gettig hitched isnt quite allowed, is it? and then its only looked down upon when its girls not boys, the sons. people, the girl your son is going out with is somebody's daughter jic it didnt occur to you! i am really lucky when it comes to such things. i always tell mum whenever i go out anywhere, an advantage being the fact that i dont live at home. but i have seen my friends having to put up with such double standards and it makes me so mad!

i welcome any input but i dont expect any positive thoughts anyway. so knock your self out!