Karachi- the fiasco

this was an email i sent to alta after reading his post on the Karachi mayhem. click on the title to go to the post.

Just read it. Had some what similar emotions to this fiasco but not quite. It’s really brave when you say you will stay there forever when I don’t ever want to come back. Why should I? When my own country doesn’t value me, when I don’t feel safe in my own house. When I have lunatics running around outside the house shooting the innocent and punishing the civilians.

I was cooking on Saturday when the rally was being broadcasted. I didn’t hear a word of it, except the drone of Imran khan's voice, the bastard, ridiculing his country in the world's media. The fucker doesn't know how it feels when I go to the beauty salon and the lady asks me aaj karachi mein bohat danga ho gaya na?! When I never said a word to any Indian when they killed thousands in Gujarat. The bastard doesn’t know the pins and needles, the haplessness, and the worry under the i-dont-give-a-shit attitude.

Mama's comment was its a show of power, by both parties, km and abba were watching musharraf and discussing how well he had succeeded in chasing the cj out of Karachi.

Ab kiya jab sab kuch khatam ho gaya? Agar woh aata to kiya hota? Bakwas karta aur nikaljata. Maybe so many wouldn't have lost their lives, making the quality of life negative for the thousand's around them. Making someone like me scared, yet again, to visit my home, for no city will I ever belong to except Karachi, I refuse to.
Just because musharraf has zero confidence in his reelection capabilities. If the public wants him, he will be reelected. These stunts really do him no favors.
It’s highly optimistic, the rising of the silent, for that will never happen. And if it does we are too corrupt a people to let it change situations. We will kill those who rise against the authority figures, for we fear the oppressed. We will kill them and silence entire generations.

My family thinks I don’t care, that I am the least patriotic person imaginable. Just because I refuse to wear a flag on my chest on the 14th of august, because I don’t care whether our team (and not we) win or lose at cricket. What they don’t realize is that even though I love it and would never want to belong to another country, for I would lose all sense of identity and self, I would never be proud of it till the day I feel I am free within its bounds. That I will not be shackled by loons like the madrassa-e-hafsa women. How can I ever be proud of a country who has labeled its citizens terrorists, Islamists, extremists? Where women are not valued? Why do we go to press about our issues? Why never with our strengths?

I don't care because i can't. Because my caring doesn't make a difference. Because it doesn't solve any problems. Just creates more. And i have my share.

L I F E

im sleepy. but then whats new about tht?? either im pissed, sleepy or just fed up. why am i not happy?? ive been going out constantly (moving out has its benefits), laughing incessantly courtesy ray, a and Qob. its like something is missing! i have a really good job, but im not happy. i used to look forward to moving out, escaping, even when i had nothing to escape from, and now that im here...im not happy, i hate saturdays, i dont want to come back here! yet i do. im not happy, im not satisfied, yet i should be so very thankful to Allah mian, for everything coz everything makes sense, everything is in place. except me. im in limbo. and i dont like it. i was the cocky one. i knew exactly what i wanted, when i wanted and how I was going to get it. now i no longer want those things. i want stuff i shunned, pushed away, looked the other way, fought against, never accepted, cried so many tears because of, i looked down upon...and now i want them. and i cant have them! i want music, laughter, faith, i want to be surrounded by people, enveloped in noise, and smiles and warm smells and lots of love. all i am surrounded by now...is a tv and an empty cold room; hollow and quiet.

i made the bed and now i must lie in it.